


My Godlike Grammar

by food_forever_Hufflepuff



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series
Genre: Canon-Typical Self Harm, Crack, F/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of non-con, blast from the past, but no more so than the original, correct grammar, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-01-31 13:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18592657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/food_forever_Hufflepuff/pseuds/food_forever_Hufflepuff
Summary: Have you ever wanted to read the great classic work of fiction "My Immortal" but didn't want to lose brain cells doing it? Have I got the fic for you! It's the story you know and love, now with 100% better grammar and a slightly more coherent plot. Throughout the story, I've added helpful Editor's Note to guide, humor, and correct homophobic slurs where needed. I hope you all enjoy this and waste as much time reading it as I did editing it.





	1. Chapter 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: Special fangs (Get it? Because I’m gothic?) to my girl friend (ew, not in that way) Raven, Bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you’re the love of my depressing life. You rock too! My Chemical Romance rocks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Special fangs (Get it? Because I’m gothic?) to my girl friend (ew, not in that way) Raven, Bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you’re the love of my depressing life. You rock too! My Chemical Romance rocks!

Hi. My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair, (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back, and icy blue orbs like limpid tears. A lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (Author’s Note: If you don’t know who she is, get the hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way, but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire, but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school in England called Hogwarts, where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell), and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic, and I buy all my clothes from there. For example, today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it, a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets, and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner, and red eyeshadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining, so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said shyly.

But then I heard my friends call me and I had to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Is this good? Please tell me. Fangs


	2. Chapter 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Fangs to Bloodytearz666 for helping me with the chapter! By the way, preps stop flaming my story, ok?

The next day, I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony with hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends inside. I got out of my coffin and took off my giant My Chemical Romance t-shirt, which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots, and black fishnets. I put on four pairs of earrings and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (Author’s Note: Raven, this is you!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long, waist-length, raven black, pink-streaked hair and opened her forest-green orbs. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets, and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup: black lipstick, white foundation, and black eyeliner.

“Oh my fucking god, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No, I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah, right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied, trying to subtly flirt.

“Guess what,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmeade,” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love Good Charlotte. They are my favorite band, besides My Chemical Romance.

“Well… do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Ok, stop flaming on the story, preps! Otherwise, fangs to the gothic people for the good reviews! Fangs again, Raven! Oh yeah, by the way: I don’t own this or the lyrics for Good Charlotte.

On the night of the concert, I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath those, I wore ripped red fishnets, with matching fishnets on my arms. Then, I put on a black leather mini-dress with corset laces on both the back and the front. I straightened my hair and made it look spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding, and I listened to some Good Charlotte. I painted my nails black and put on tons of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt- the opening band. He was also wearing baggy black skater pants, black nail polish, and a little eyeliner (Author’s Note: A lot of cool boys wear it, ok? (Editor’s Note: Makeup is gender neutral)).

“Hi, Draco...” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi, Ebony,” he said back. We moved the conversation into his flying black Mercedes-Benz, the license plate of which read 666, and flew to the concert location. On the way, we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to the bands perform.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel.  
(Author’s Note: As previously stated, I don’t own the lyrics to that song)

“Joel is so fucking hot,” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok. I don’t like him better than you!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco shyly. He put his arm around me protectively.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said, disgusted by just the thought of her ugly blonde hair.

The night went on really well; Draco and I had a great time. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got Good Charlotte concert t-shirts. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back towards Hogwarts. Instead, he drove the car into the Forbidden Forest!


	4. Chapter 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: As I said before, I’d appreciate if you would refrain from flaming, ok? Ebony’s name is ENOBY, not Mary Sue, ok? Draco is so in love with her that he is acting different! They knew each other before, ok?

“Draco!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Draco didn’t answer. Instead, he stopped the flying car and walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curious and cautious.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in close, so close… I looked into his gothic, color-contact tinted red orbs. They revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness, that I felt the anger drain out of me.

And then, suddenly, Draco kissed me, passionately, deeply. Draco pressed himself against me. The kiss became hungry, possessive. Seductively, he stripped me of my top and I made quick work of his clothes. I even took off my bra, exposing my perky, pale breasts. Then he put his twig into my beaver and we did it for the first time.

I began to moan with wanton abandon. I screamed his name. I felt my orgasm beginning to build. I felt is wet mouth kiss everywhere he could reach and my pale body began to warm for the first time in my life. Just when I didn’t think I could hold out much longer...

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!?”

It was our headmaster, Dumbledore!


	5. Chapter 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I have already begged you: stop flaming! If you participate in this heinous act, it means you’re a prep or a poser! The only reason Dumbledore swore was because he had a headache, ok? And, to top it all off, he was mad at them for engaging in sexual intercourse! P.S. I’m not updating until I get five kind, respectful reviews!

Dumbledore made strides to leave the forest, and Draco and I followed him. He kept shouting at us, angry.

“You ludicrous fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle, Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, both of whom were furious.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled, fuming.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

The teachers glared at our retreating backs as Draco and I went upstairs. 

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah, I guess,” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair. I changed into a low-cut, black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and a stunning pair of black high heels. 

When I came downstairs, Draco was waiting for me in front of the fireplace, and he started to sing ”I just wanna live” by Good Charlotte. I was so flabbergasted, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed, relishing a few quiet moments together since our first time had been so rudely interrupted. We considered finishing what we had started, but I was depressed again. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Shut up, preps, please! P.S. I will not update until you give me good, kind reviews! Constructive criticism only!

The next day, I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the edges (so fatigue chic!) and a matching top with red skulls covering it (in particularly advantageous place, if you know what I mean), and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. Since I was a vampire, the crosses burned my skin, but I didn’t care. I loved the pain. I spray-painted my hair with purple. The fumes from the spray paint got me high.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood to drink. Someone thought it was wine and tried a sip and died instantly. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top, adding some color to my otherwise pale breasts.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up, because I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy. He had spiky black hair with red streaks in it, the same color as the blood dying my tatas. He was wearing so much eyeliner that it was running down his face, with black lipstick sharply, both of which were contrasted against his pale white face. He didn’t have glasses anymore and was now wearing red contact lenses- just like Draco’s. The skin on his forehead was flawlessly smooth, especially when compared to the manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent, because we were in England. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him. I could feel my womanhood pulsing, kind of like an erection. (Author’s Note: I’m a girl so I do not possess the anatomy to actually experience and erection. Please do not picture me like that, as it makes you seem like a pervert.) 

“I’m so sorry,” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days,” he grumbled.

“Why?” I questioned hopefully.

“Because I love the taste of human blood,” he giggled, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Well, I am a vampire,” I confessed, hoping he would come to the obvious conclusion of our compatibility.

“Really?” he whimpered, intimidated and intrigued.

“Yeah.” I rumbled, letting my voice come from deep in my chest (right under where my blood covered boobs were).

He had obviously picked up on my subtle hints, because he sat down to talk for awhile. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me, so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7: Bring Me to Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Well, okay you guys, I’m only writing this because you fulfilled my request and I received 5 good reviews (one of which was from god herself). And, by the way, I won’t be able to find the motivation to write the next chapter unless I get ten good ones (one of which must be from god, and must be cut out of corrugated tin)! Also, stop flaming or I will report you to the administrators of this website! Ebony isn’t a Marie Sue, alright? She isn’t perfect. She has problems just like everyone else. She’s a satanist! And, like many of us, she has problems dealing with her depression! I did this for the sake of god and the readers being able to better relate to her.
> 
> Editor’s Note: Why is this the only chapter with an actual title?

Draco and my pale, white hand intertwined, our black nail polish glinting as we went upstairs. My nails were particularly fancy because they were adorned with red Satanist signs. (Author’s Note: See? Does that sound like the type of nail polish a Mary Sue might wear?) I waved to Vampire as we passed him in the hall. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of mine and Draco’s relationship. Anyway, my heartbeat raced, partially from the excitement of going upstairs with Draco and partly because of the going upstairs. 

We went into his room and locked the door, for good reason. We started french kissing, our tongues passively wrapping around one another several times. We began to take off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before, even before I got the chance to take off my top. Then I took off my black leather bra (which would have been very sweaty if I was not dead cold) and he took off his pants. We went to rest on the bed and continued to make out, now fully naked. Then he put his mighty, throbbing, veiny manhood into my moist, pulsating womanly cavern and we consummated our relationship for a second time. (Author’s Note: See now? Is that immature of them? Is that boring writing? I think not.)

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed his name as, for the first time, we finally achieved congress and he gave me my first orgasm. Even as I lay before him, coming completely undone, I saw something that erased any bliss from my mind: a tattoo I had never seen before (possibly because he wore white foundation on it) on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing was a single word… not a word… a name... “Vampire.”

I was consumed with anger.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

Draco seemed confused at first, until he noticed where I was staring. “No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I did understand; I understood all too well.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!” (Editor’s Note: For someone who later claims to be bisexual, this is a very homophobic comment. Ah, the duality of man… woman… vampire.)

I put on my clothes as quickly as I could despite how madly I was still shaking with rage. I stormed out as soon as I was decent enough to. Draco,who had simply sat and stared at me as I dressed, ran out after me, still naked. His monstrous, horse-sized dong hung piteously between his legs, but I was too mad to care or notice. I ran out and kept running until I was standing in the doorway of Professor Snape’s classroom, where Vampire and his housemates were having class.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled, in a rage. In fact, this was the maddest I had ever been.


	8. Chapter 8.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I wish you would stop flaming already! You aren’t proving anything, other than that you’re a prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me, that is, until Draco came into the room still fully naked. All eyes turned to him as started begging me to take him back.

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco moaned sadly.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. (She did not enjoy smiling too much, so she always kept it understated.) She flipped her long waist-length gothic black hair and widened her crimson, blood-like eyes. She too wore colored contacts (Hogwarts buys in bulk to provide for us). Though she had pale white skin, she wore a thin layer of white makeup. Some of you may be more familiar with her under another name: Hermione. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Unbeknownst to her kidnappers, both of her real parents were vampires and one of them was a witch. Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he could not bear to live without her and became depressed. Though she was not there to see it, her kidnappers told her about it in great detail. She still has nightmares about it and it gives her a very haunted and depressed aura. In order to further destroy her identity, her kidnappers changed her last name from Granger to Smith. When she was in the 4th year, she has converted to Satanism and demanded to be transferred from Gryffindor to Slytherin.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned in his cold voice, but I hardly noticed him.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you and Draco were together! Were in love! And that you never told me, even after we spent all of our lunch period getting to know each other!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped, horrified that I would out someone in such a public way.

(Editor’s Note: What follows is a single, solo, unexplained paragraph from Draco’s point of view. I have no idea why.)

I didn't understand why Ebony was so mad at me. Vampire and I had gone out for awhile (Ebony knew I was bi when we started dating; in fact, it was a bonding point because she was too!) Then he broke my heart: he dumped me for some stupid preppy fucker named Britney. We'd since mended our relationship and were just good friends now. I had watched him struggle through horrible trauma which eventually turned him gothic, though I suppose you knew that already; I would never hang out with a prep.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” Vampire tried to defend himself, but how could I trust him now?

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and took refuge in the Forbidden Forest, drawn to it by the memory that this is where I had lost my virginity to Draco. However, the memory was not a comfort to me and it drove me to tears.


	9. Chapter 9.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Ok, stop flaming! I didn’t read all the books! This is from the movies, ok? So it’s not my fault if Dumbledore swears! I mean, have you seen the Goblet of Fire? When he runs at and nearly strangles Harry? That Dumbledore swore all the fucking time and you can tell. Besides, as previously stated, he had a headache! That’s enought to make anyone want yell “motherfucker” and underaged children having sex in the woods! And the reason Snape doesn’t like Harry now is because he’s Christian and Vampire is a Satanist! Very different philosophies of life. My Chemical Romance rocks!

I was so mad and sad. Smad, if you will. I couldn’t believe Draco had cheated on me. I began to cry against the very same tree where Draco and I had first let our two fleshes become one.

Suddenly, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! Even from a distance, I could see that he had no nose, like a character I had seen in a movie this one time.Though he was wearing all black, it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It could only be one person: Voldemort!

Terrified, I shouted: “No!” but before I could even consider making a break for it, Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” I was under his control; I could not run away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. “Crookshanks!” I shouted, but the cat did not come to my rescue. However, the name gave me an idea. “Cruciatus!” With that, Voldemort fell off his broom and started to scream in agony, but from the fall and the curse. Even though I’m a sadist, I knew the terrible power of the curse. I felt bad for him, so I stopped.

“Ebony,” he yelled, his voice ragged from his screams, “thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

Despite the urgency of the situation, my recent broken heart was torn back open with his words. I thought about Vampire and his sexy eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand. I had a moment of clarity: what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?All my anger drained from my body and I knew I could not kill Vampire. 

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort, worried that using a wand might cause me to lose my nose too, gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged. I may be a sadist, but I’m also a pacifist and believe in strict gun control policies. He hadn’t even conducted a background check on me!

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved, Draco!”

“How did you know?” I gasped.

Voldemort got a dude-you-ain’t-too-bright look on his face. “I also have telepathy. I also hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. He threw a rock at his tree to prove it. “And if you do not kill Vampire, then thou hath been warned as to what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. In a blink, he was gone as he retreated on his broomstick.

I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I had never been asked to kill someone before! Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

“Draco!” I called, relieved to see him alive after so many threats. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back, but his face still showed the tell-tale signs of his pain. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner, kind of like a pentagram. He looked like a mix between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered, honestly.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you and thought you cheated on me,” I murmured soothingly. 

“That’s okay,” he replied, but I could tell all was not forgiven. Despite his persistent depression, we went back into Hogwarts together, making out as we walked, which takes a lot more skill than one might expect.


	10. Chapter 10.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Stop it you straight dicks! (Editor’s Note: Since the author appears to support queer rights by including two bisexual characters, her use of queer slurs has been corrected.) If you don’t like my story, then move the fuck along! P.S. It turns out that B’loody Mary isn’t a muggle-born after all. In fact, she’s a vampire and evil. That’s why she moved houses, ok?

All day, my guts felt like they were in a vice at the memory of Voldemort. I was still upset when I went to rehearsals with my new gothic metal band, Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I had dressed for the occasion: a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not. However, if I’m being honest, it does take a person a fairly simple plan to get in my butt, so… Anyway, I am the lead singer and play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between Good Charlotte, Slipknot, and My Chemical Romance. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.), Hagrid. We had recently conducted a second round of auditions (which I had been unable to attend) and had recruited Vampire. Today would have been his first rehearsal with the full band, but he and Draco were depressed, so they weren’t coming. We spent the time writing songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists, but I wasn’t worried; he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that word (it’s scarier in this context than it was with the earrings) or a wooden or well-done steak. I didn’t know Vampire very well, but I assumed he was probably watching a depressing movie, like The Corpse Bride or Addams Family Values.

We decided that, even without Draco and Vampire, we could get a little practice in, so were sand a cover of “Helena.” At the end of the song, I suddenly burst into tears.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice (she was focusing really hard on speaking calmly).

“What the fuck do you think?” I spit, lashing out. But I had to get this off my chest and I knew B’loody Mary was as good a friend as I would find. “Well, I saw Voldemort. He came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. And his blood probably wouldn’t taste that good anyway. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking fake-ass poser muggle bitch!” (Author’s Note: See? Is that out of character?)

I started to cry uncontrollably. Draco started to cry, all too sensitive to handle the situation. He ran out, still crying.

Despite all this, studio time is precious and we didn’t want to waste it, so we practiced for one more hour. Suddenly, Dumbledore stormed in! His eyes were fiery and I knew that, this time, it wasn’t because he had a headache because I had seen him taking advil during lunch.

“What have you done?” He was so furious and stressed that he began to tear up. (Author’s Note: See? That’s not swearing and, this time, as you will see, he was really upset.) “Ebony, Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide... slitting his wrists and bled out. I am so sorry.”


End file.
